10 days left

I can’t really think about it.

It’s way, way too hard to actually understand what I’m feeling. But I am so excited to go home, to see my family, and get ready to leave for college. This year has challenged me in ways that I did not anticipate, and did not challenge me in certain ways that I had wanted it to. This year has made me question myself over and over and I haven’t found the answers to those self-searching questions yet. I grew, but I can’t say that I grew enough in areas that I had hoped to – and I definitely regret (but couldn’t have changed) by the way I, myself, thought about exchange in general and my exchange specifically.

I’m looking forward to finding someone to talk about this all when I get home, but for now, I’m putting thinking aside, as far as I’m able. Only ten days left.

(ten is more dramatic than nine but strictly speaking since we leave at 2 AM I only have 9 days)

Health and Hiking

Something about moving to a new country and living with a host family puts a lot of weight on you. You want to try new things, and even when you’ve tried it all you can’t exactly refuse to eat the piles of food you’re given. And although some people join sports through their school or maybe a gym, exerise can be harder to plan abroad. I know I definitely gained weight – I have no idea how much, but pants don’t fit like I used to. This was something I struggled with through a lot of my exchange – not just the weight gain, but the idea of being less healthy than I used to be – even though I knew I could reverse it when I got back to the US.

However, it’s definitely possible to start working against this right here in-country, and I’ve started doing something that I absolutely adore that has the extra benefit of making me feel more like myself again: hiking.

Although I went up Vodno, the hill/mountain right by Skopje a few times before (and blogged about it!), in the past week or so, I’ve hiked up with someone basically every other day. The weather brought greenery and life to the mountain, and it is so peaceful to hike up through the sounds of birds, the smell of flowers, and the sights of a variety of flora – even if it feels like death at some points (I’m still not as fit as I’d like to be!). It gives me time to think, something that is extremely important to me at this point in my year, when I honestly cannot tell how I feel. I escape from the social media that reminds me that some people are back home already and some people have almost a month more than me to go, and instead get to see a view of the beautiful city of Skopje from above. I get to think about how to do things like hiking more often in the future, and what else to pursue to achieve more self-fulfillment and put my year in Macedonia in perspective.

And I get to work off some of the burek and ajvar and leb and sharska and tost od sedmica and everything else delicious that I ate ❤

It’s Gonna be May

(it already is May, and in fact, May 1st was probably the best day of my exchange thus far)

May 1st is a nonworking day (Labor Day) in Macedonia, so my host family took the opportunity to host a FUN GET-TOGETHER for friends at the weekend house. Food, live band, lots of seating, some activities that I didn’t really get, singing, dancing – all the ingredients for entertainment were there. Part of the reason that it was so amazing was the location. I have realized that I love rural areas and the outdoors more than I ever thought possible, and any chance I get to spend time outside(like our recent trip to Radovish, where we stayed at a hotel in the mountains and had a barbecue also in the mountains) inevitably pumps me up while also calming me down.

The main reason this day was so good, though, was how much I got to interact with people – and on my own terms. I was able to sit, read, and enjoy the sun when everyone was doing their own thing, but also got to use Macedonian as various strangers realized I was American and began asking what I was doing there. There was no pressure to interact but many opportunities to do so, and I felt confident in my ability to learn from people and speak this language. It was brilliant.

//end of super short post\\

Less than two months left?

I’m not going to focus on that ^

Instead, this is what is important – spring has come! There were a few days when it went directly from to winter to summer, but then the weather remembered how it’s all supposed to go and turned back into spring. Apparently, this was one of the coldest winters in recent years, and it was ages long. Spring is bringing joy and a lack of motivation for school (which is fine, honestly, because I’M GOING TO BERKELEY regardless of how well I do in my classes, as long as I don’t fail) in massive quantities, and the weather is signaling to me that one of my favorite times of year is approaching: Eurovision season.

I finally live in a country that actually participates in and gets excited about Eurovision! And our entry is magnificent:

(This is the Macedonian version – here is the English one, which I think is what will actually be competing:)

Sorry that I haven’t blogged in a while, but I think resident Macedonian heartthrob Daniel Kajmakoski (winner of X-Factor Balkans in 2014) makes up for it 🙂

titles are way too hard so don’t expect one

I’ll be honest – the only reason I’m blogging right now is because I want to check off one more task on my to-do list, decreasing the number in the little red circle in the top-right corner of my trusty planner app. There are things to talk about – I went to Tetovo this past weekend, ostensibly to give a presentation at American Corner there (which I did, and which was awesome – I met motivated students looking to apply to college in the US, and talked to them about the incredibly exciting…SAT) but also to stay with a friend and see the town. I love Tetovo, now, and would be extremely excited if exchange students were ever sent there.

Regardless of the fact that I actually did something interesting and exciting literally yesterday, I don’t feel like I’ve done much while I’ve been here. This is the point of the year when it seems like people start making reflections on their experience, and I don’t know what to reflect on. I feel like I haven’t done a good enough job as an exchange student – there are so many opportunities that I didn’t take and so many things that I could have done differently to make the experience “richer,” somehow (or more representative of what the “ideal study abroad experience” seems to be).

The thing is – I don’t regret anything in how I lived in these past 7 months (okay, maybe I wish I could have thought differently about certain things, but I tried to change those. I don’t regret any of my actual, action-impacting decisions – deciding to stay in and sleep instead of going to a concert, finishing homework instead of making my way out to a museum, and similarly boring choices). I’ve come to realize that even if I “didn’t do much,” exchange has changed me. I can’t explain how, because I can’t even imagine the person I would have been if I hadn’t gone abroad. But even though I didn’t seize the day enough, I’ve been living more closely to how I believe myself to be than at any other point in my life. It’s a process. Eventually, I trust that I’ll represent myself fully as the way I see myself from within.

On that grammatically confusing note, I’ll leave you to run to the store. Host dad is making cake ❤

2/3, -100?

I’m just about two-thirds of the way through my exchange, and have just over 100 days left to go. And everything is weird.

It feels like everything is almost over, but feels like there’s so much time left to go. I want time to speed up so I can get to certain milestones – college decisions, my birthday, mainly – but I feel like I wouldn’t have enough time if everything sped up. Time to do certain things that are required of me, but also time to do things that I feel that I personally need to. To get the most out of what I’m here for.

But I feel like my idea of what I’m here for has changed, even though I can’t identify how. There’s a lot of that – I can sense that my priorities, ideals, views, have changed, but I don’t think I’ll really be able to pinpoint where these changes lie until I get back. Changes like career goals are easy to identify: I was considering foreign service/diplomacy/international relations, and now I want to live in a rainforest and study sustainable agriculture/forestry/development. That’s hard to directly pin on any experiences here, though, so it doesn’t feel concrete enough to be a change that I can describe. Maybe I’ll be able to formulate this when I’m stateside?

And another thing I’m expecting stateside – to really recognize what’s different here. All aspects of my life here feel so very normal and ordinary to me right now that I can’t feel or remember what’s different. I slowly (in some cases) and quickly (in others) became used to how my life works here, and how that fits into how others’ work, and now I genuinely don’t know how it all differs – in part, because I don’t know how my life in the US functioned or will function in the future. Reverse culture shock may remind me of the culture shock here that I somehow was distracted from. And honestly, I wonder – what distracted me so much? Was it the mundanity of college applications, that started right as the lower points of the fabled culture shock graph kicked in? AP classes? My own brain? I’m unsure, but I’m excited to see how re-entering my home culture will affect this.

And I’m excited to see what I’ll miss the most. I appreciate this experience beyond anything that words can describe, yet I feel like I don’t appreciate it enough. I want to kick the emotional parts of my brain into feeling as humbled by the enormity of this experience as the rational part is (or is it the other way around?), and I want that to happen as soon as possible, before I leave this country – but I know, I know, I know, that as soon as I leave I’ll look back and truly recognize what a significant impact this country and this year have had. So what part of this impact will I really, truly, miss – and not just look back on fondly? I’m full of rhetorical questions today.

(P.S. A note to myself – I know when I was reading blogs, I never really found the “recap of my week” style to be interesting. I’m going to try to stay away from it, even though I am obsessive about documenting things if I begin documenting them. But my journal exists, and that information and memory will not be lost. WOOHOO. If you’re someone other than me reading this, despite the “note to myself” bit, and you DO find recaps interesting, contact me on twitter or facebook I guess?)

January’s Over…

…and February, which is supposed to be the coldest month of the year, has opened with unreasonably warm weather – warm being relative, of course. Warm weather and fresh air from rain feels so, so promising, and I’m inspired to take hold of my exchange and make it worthwhile in the way that I feel is important, rather than anyone else! Since I last blogged, we in Macedonia and in Bosnia passed the halfway point of our exchange, and the Macedonia crew had their midyear orientation, a good way to think about our concerns and what could be improved in exchanges to Macedonia for the coming years, as well as what to improve in our own in the next four and a half months!

My primary, all-encompassing, oh-my-god-how-am-I-going-to-do-this goal for the second half of my exchange is to finish my Capstone Project, a requirement of YES Abroad that has you pick an aspect of your exchange or the culture of the country and create something that acts as a summary or reflection on that aspect. I thought of something that I now realize is very difficult to do – I’ll paste in my project proposal after the Read More, but keep in mind that my idea has already changed slightly and the proposal is getting more and more inaccurate as the days go by 🙂

64 days until I turn 17 // 133 days before I go back to the US



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First Post of 2015 – 24 Days In

January is famously hard for exchange students, and that’s hit me in the past week or so. It was tied to the stress of having actual finals, rather than “show up and don’t do anything because the tests are in a different language” finals, because I go to a rigorous English-speaking school modeled after the American system. BUT I’ve finished my first semester of senior year, and have finally mustered up the strength to blog!

For New Years, the three YES Abroad students decided to spend our time in the freezing cold at and around a concert thrown by the Municipality of Centar, which is the center part of the city. It was way too cold to be there the whole time, so we popped into a restaurant and bought overpriced cheese sticks and soda (Team Газоза forever) until just a few minutes before New Years, when we ran back to the celebration and had a rather anticlimactic New Year. My biggest impression of New Year’s Eve was honestly just COLD.

I also got to go skiing (well, I didn’t really ski, more like watch others expertly navigate their way down a slope and ride over the mountains on a ski lift) with my host family in Mavrovo, a ski and snowboard center that was FULL of people excited about the first snow. Unfortunately, I didn’t take any pictures, but this should give you a pretty good idea of what it all looks like!

Oooh, a big one – Orthodox Christmas, which is January 7th. I’m a bit iffy on the timeline, because what I wrote in my journal contradicts the calendar and the calendar contradicts what I can find online, but as far as I can remember, this is what went down: At around 4 or 5 AM the day before Christmas, kids come to people’s doors, sing a song, and receive money/candy/fruit (this is known as kolede). I was asleep for this, so no first-hand experience here. Then, in the evening of the 6th, I went with my host family to my host aunt’s house, which is in what I would call a “suburb” of Skopje – not one of the adjacent villages, but a part of the city that is almost entirely residential with stand-alone houses along streets. There, each street had a bonfire, where the neighbors stand and talk and eat food that’s been laid out on a table nearby. I practiced my Macedonian with extended family members, and did a little bit of dancing, and took pictures of the fire:

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Another cool thing was that at one point, my host mom and I went to see the next block’s bonfire, and upon introducing me as American, the host quickly called out to someone to “bring over the American” – there was a young woman from South Carolina there, visiting Macedonia on her first time outside of the US to visit her boyfriend’s family! That was a really fun surprise.

On the 7th, we had a vegetarian-only lunch/dinner with traditional foods, and we split a piece of bread with a coin in it – whoever got the coin got luck for the next year. My host dad got it, for I believe the second year in a row!

After the holidays were over, but I was still on break, I dyed my hair half-blonde half-brown and then turned into a monster that sits in her room with books and emerges only to eat, shower, and freak out about exams. That, finally, is over, thank goodness, and I’m taking this weekend to figure out how to become active as an exchange student and combat the January blues.

That’s all for now! I’m hoping the next post will come a bit faster.